Her Vulcan Soul
by SadaraLochlan
Summary: Experiencing discord with her new bondmate, Sadara spends some time on the holodeck running some simulations of Vulcan's Riakin Sanctuary in an attempt to explore more of her Vulcan half.


Sadara hesitated as the holodeck doors yawned open before her. Normally the Vulcan/Human hybrid welcomed her time on the holodeck, but this recreation of Vulcan's Riakin Sanctuary in Zhial felt like it was sizing her up like some sort of monstrous predator. As she took a few tentative steps into the eerily lifelike simulation of her mother's home planet, Sadara acknowledged this as a new journey. At nearly 140 years old, the former starship captain had been on many journeys and adventures, but it was the journey within that was the most difficult and intimidating. It was the journey she faced now.

For her entire life she had rejected the Vulcan way and tried to stamp out her Vulcan half like some stubborn flame threatening to become an inferno. The mere thought of living by logic alone repulsed and frightened her; terrified her that she would lose the capacity to see people as people, but rather faceless, soulless numbers. She had always maintained that the best people in the helping professions never lost their capacity for caring and empathy. She couldn't imagine a life in which she was affected emotionally by no one and nothing and they in turn unaffected by her. She'd sometimes been told by other Vulcans that she had no proper concept of the Vulcan way. She was certain they were correct; and she had always been equally convinced she didn't want that understanding.

Closing behind her, the holodeck doors all but cemented her decision to proceed with this simulation. Part of her still resented and resisted this, but she finally had to acknowledge that she'd reached an impasse in her ability to successfully relate to the all Vulcan crew of the USS T'Kumbra. She didn't understand them and they didn't understand her and in the absence of that understanding life aboard that ship would continue to be frustrating. And of course, she was one hybrid on a ship of about 800 Vulcans so she would be the one expected to adapt.

The hot gusts of wind kicked up in fierce gales stinging Sadara's face and whipping her light, dark green robes and she brought up the hood to help shelter her delicate, ivory skin from the bright, searing heat of the simulated Vulcan sun, and then she began the short journey to the Riakin Sanctuary. Were she actually on Vulcan, the journey would have taken at least two days in order to provide the seeker with time for reflection and meditation. As she was still aboard the T'Kumbra with her usual duties in full swing, she had shortened the trip, though she probably could have benefited from the full length of the sojourn.

She sought the counsel of one of the Kolinahr acolytes, searching for clarity on the Vulcan experience and ideally on how to exist as a hybrid without feeling like she had to extinguish one half in favor of the other. The hybrid experience was unique though. How could anyone help her with what she herself couldn't seem to find balance with?

In the distance she could hear the sounds of multiple Le-matyas prowling around the nearby hills. Fortunately the safeties were on in this program, but were she actually on Vulcan, there would be some cause for concern of attack, particularly after nightfall when the temperature cooled enough that the predatory animals ventured out of their dens.

Reaching the bottom of a hill, Sadara stopped before a rather intimidating and seemingly endless stone staircase that led to the Riakin Sanctuary. She could see the meticulous, intricate detailing of the Vulcan architecture partially in view at the top. Behind it, the sky was burnt orange as the sun crept toward the horizon. With less of the hesitation she'd originally entered the program with Sadara began the daunting climb up the stairs.

Emerging at the top a short while later, the sanctuary came into full view along with a couple of sentries to either side of the path leading up to the first building. The sentries were for show for the most part. Violence had been nearly unheard of on Vulcan for thousands of years since the time of Surak. Between the sentries stood a Vulcan of middle age dressed in the heavy robes of a Kolinahr master. He had hawk like features that made him appear harsh at first, but his expression was placid and his warm brown eyes held the calm and serenity characteristic of one who had attained the pinnacle of Vulcan control and enlightenment.

Sadara approached the Kolinahr master with as neutral an expression as she could muster and inclined her head slightly in respect.

"For what purpose do you come to Riakin?" Keldar, the Kolinahr master asked evenly.

"I come seeking the counsel and wisdom of a Kolinahr master," she replied levelly.

Coffee brown eyes held Sadara's sapphire blue ones for a moment and then the Kolinahr master beckoned Sadara to follow him into the sanctuary. Inside the ancient rust colored stone walls were etched with the Vulcan calligraphy that Sadara had been taught by her mother when she was a child. The rooms of various sizes were illuminated only by torches and candles and the smell of incense permeated the air.

"I must warn you, I will not be an easy pupil."

Something in the master's eyes seemed to twinkle in amusement.

"It has been my observation that those who seek counsel rarely are easy pupils."

"That seems contrary to what one would expect to be true."

"Not necessarily. Why?"

Sadara's brow furrowed in concentration as she pondered that for a moment.

"They spend a great deal of time arguing for their own position thus precipitating counter-arguments which makes them consider other positions."

Replacing a candle that had burned itself out, the Kolinahr master lit it and turned back to Sadara.

"Indeed. How may I be of assistance?"

"I am half human, raised primarily in the human tradition. I am also a Starfleet officer assigned to a starship with an all Vulcan crew. I have reached an impasse in my ability to successfully understand and relate to my crewmates. I have tried to avoid mostly anything to do with my Vulcan half for the bulk of my life, but that is no longer an option for me. I have a bondmate and three children that I have to consider. I'm frequently told by other Vulcans that I have no concept of the Vulcan way. I do not seek to purge my emotions; merely to understand things from a more Vulcan perspective so that I may better function among them. As a hybrid, it is logical for me to attempt to find balance between my two halves."

Circling her, a movement that made Sadara feel like the main course at Le-matya feast, Keldar glanced at her.

"And that has been something you've been content with until now; avoiding your Vulcan half? What is it about your Vulcan half that you find so disagreeable?"

"A number of things. I am a counselor. Compassion and empathy are important to my line of work. I would be ineffective if people were reduced to mere numbers in my head. I simply cannot fathom life being reduced to stark logic and mathematical equations. I don't understand and cannot imagine understanding how Vulcans can just accept things they don't understand and can't control no matter the injustice of such, how deplorably wrong, and so forth. It seems like the road to complacency to me."

"So you view emotion and desire as the sole motivators for action?"

"Aren't they? Even for Vulcans who simply repress their emotions? Certainly the Vulcans who joined Starfleet were motivated by some desire to do so."

Keldar stopped in front of her, still facing the wall to her left.

"Yes, but consider that logic, as with emotion, isn't always expressed in the same way, nor is it the same for everyone. As a counselor you are familiar with how life experiences and environment influences a person's development. For some the culmination of those influences results in the logical decision to join Starfleet or the Vulcan Science Academy and so forth."

"So what you're getting at is that logic can be as individual as emotion?"

"Precisely. They are simply two different methods of decision making. Give me an example; something from your own experience."

"My bondmate," Sadara responded without hesitation. "He bonded with me having just met me because I had entered Pon Farr and he was still in need of a wife. Had he already been married, he would have logically arrived at a different decision; to allow me to find an available male aboard ship or to return to Vulcan to do so. Awfully cold and calculating."

"And yet, emotion can also be used in cold and calculating ways. Consider that had your bondmate been more driven by emotion and was not attracted to you, he may have chosen not to bond with you simply out of lack of desire to."

"Were he human that would have been his right." For whatever reason, Sadara could not look around or let her eyes follow Keldar as he circled the room like a buzzard. In the presence of one who had attained Kolinahr she felt obligated to maintain a respectful stance, much like the military discipline she'd adopted during her years in Starfleet. This surprised her given her lack of respect for Vulcan culture in general.

"Vulcan culture is more collectivistic than Human culture. For your bondmate who was raised with Vulcan values, it is not his right to allow another to die for his own selfish reasons. Tell me, what did your Vulcan parent teach you about Vulcan ways?"

Keldar was curious about her answer.

My mother made certain I knew of the culture, history, traditions… but she never insisted that I follow Vulcan ways, especially as we lived on Earth. Her thought process as she explained it to me once was that it would be illogical to expect me to behave as a full Vulcan because I am not one; though perhaps she would have done well to insist I at least spend some time learning how to behave in a more Vulcan fashion. She did insist that I work to restrain myself from making impulsive decisions based entirely on emotion. However, I haven't always excelled at that. Admittedly, she wasn't exactly the model Vulcan in some ways. She called the challenge in order to marry my father. Calling the challenge is hardly logical as it risks lives when no lives need be risked."

Reaching up, Sadara pushed her hood back. It was stiflingly hot with all the candles lit and little air movement in the room, not that it would have helped given the heat of Vulcan in general.

Keldar stopped in front of Sadara again and gave her a meaningful look. "The reason you have difficulty understanding what it means to be Vulcan is because you were raised to consider the individual and not the whole. Even in your work, you focus on individuals and their individual needs, wants, desires, and so forth."

That earned a raised eyebrow and an amused look from Sadara. "_But_ I have also worked with entire family units at once which is a whole. As the humans say, you're only as strong as your weakest link. Unless individuals function at their best, the whole is weaker."

"I want you to banish all human judgments during your time here. As a hybrid your path is a unique one, but it will be impossible for you to understand what it means to be Vulcan if you continue to challenge what I'm attempting to teach you with human values. The path to clarity requires that you clear your mind of your preconceived notions of both heritages."

"As you wish," Sadara replied, settling down into a position ideal for meditation.

Her last thought before working on clearing her mind was wondering what she'd gotten herself into.


End file.
